The wise (wo)man plays the long game

Yesterday was a win. I’ve been building towards it. I’ve known it. I just didn’t know when it was going to happen or how it would manifest. It has seemed as if every morning I fall prey to his mind games despite telling myself I will not react, and I’m getting better. I’m able to understand whats actually going on, to see his cruelty at least, and not think its all because I’m crazy. But I still end up an emotional wreck at the end with him pushing my buttons. Until yesterday.

After a morning of him using one of his favorite get out of jail free lines, “I don’t know what you want me to say” as his default phrase after I’d asked every question 4 or 5 times and he just sat there ignoring me, about 30 minutes later, he tried to say he doesn’t say that! Ever! And he’d said it so many times just that morning I couldn’t even count! It was a REDICULOUS lie!

I saw the man behind the curtain not the wizard he was trying to project for me. I told him he was a liar and went upstairs. Later he tried his normal hug me and say sorry I dont want to fight routine and for the first time ever I told him, that I wasn’t going to accept that, I wanted an adult apology, which I’m still waiting for and never expect to recieve.

I was starting to doubt myself though because I kept catching myself acting normal the rest of the day yesterday even though I was trying to be standoffish, life has to go on too. I started to feel like I still lost the battle because I know HE thinks HE won because it seems like nothing changed after all. But the name of my game right now is not to make my life harder for myself. I dont have everything in place to tell him to leave yet. I have not been warm, welcoming, loving or buddy buddy with him since yesterday either but we haven’t been for a long time anyway so he wouldn’t notice a change there. Yes, he thinks he still won that battle and he still thinks he has me.

He can think what he wants though. his spell is broken. Towards the end of the interaction instead of me crying and asking him what is going on or to help me feel better I was standing up, running the show and done with his crap, I kept hammering him, “Are you trying to say you did not say to me ‘I don’t know what you want me to say.’ today?” over and over and incrementally he went from no, to I don’t think so to maybe to if I did I didn’t mean to…. I called him a liar and left. ALL of our interactions have always ended with me crying and begging his help. No matter what happened. Before yesterday.

I won because I saw him for what he really is. He is disgusting and he has known what he has been doing to me and he hasn’t cared. I dont care if he thinks he won this round. I dont care if he thinks he wins any round. I dont care what he thinks period.

Published by: Nuthingsay

I'm just another lost soul trying to find her way and fix her mistakes before the clock runs out. I have a journal for therapy, this is where I type the things I can't put in the paper journal.

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