My punishment

Everything is my fault and I know it so I’m not asking anyone for pity or to do anything for me. I’m not even asking for anyone to see things from my perspective. I own ALL of my shit, my blame for having gotten here and I know i will have to do all the work to change that. But I do not know what to do! On paper I’m doing everything I’m supposed to, take my meds, go to therapy, etc… but my life is the same. I dont know what to do! And I have no one to even get advice from! So is that how it works in the world?? You screw up, even badly, and thats it!? Your on your own for the rest of your existence to figure everything out completely by yourself?? Am I asking too much? Is this the punishment that people get who screw up their lives? Their karma? I must be defective because there are people who overcome stuff but I cannot seem to do it despite wanting to more than ANYTHING! Every day I get up, it feels like I am waking up in hell because I’m still living this life, I cannot stand one more day of this!

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