I feel like I’m screaming at an invisible barrier that transforms what I say into something else before it gets to other peoples ears. I can see them, and they can see me. I can hear their actual words but they hear a different version of what I say by the time it reaches their ears.
I know everything that is wrong in my life is my fault. I know it is my sole responsibility to fix it but I honestly do not know how to do it! I have all of these ideas and possible plans swarming in my head that I try to organize and begin to act on EVERY SINGLE DAY…. but none can take root, they all have holes and I cannot see any of it clearly. I am too close to it all to begin to be objective.
Maybe I’m supposed to be able to do this for myself by my age and if that is so I take full responsibility for that too. Maybe that is THE clincher of what is wrong with me. I honestly dont know that either and there isn’t anyone to even tell me that that is the problem.
If it is I want to know because I cannot ever fix it like this. Every day, round and round the same torturous trip in my head… the nightmare carousel that only stops when I die… I want off…