She speaks!

The following was more about me saying it and being heard finally then him hearing it or getting any results from it. I don’t expect any:

I’m not sure how it began but I found myself standing in front of him, holding his attention for once. And the words just flew out…

I explained the catch 22 that has developed in our relationship. I have pulled away. Almost completely retreated in fact! I’m not doing this out of any desire to harm or a tit for tat revenge thing. Our relationship has been one sided for, well, for the entire thing! I had hoped in the beginning he would soften and come around by seeing what its like to be loved unconditionally. But that never happened. The more I gave, the more he took. And the more it tore my heart apart. I cannot keep giving to someone who only takes. I have pulled away to protect myself. I pointed out that the way I am now is not the way I was when we first met (I think I might have seen recognition on his face here), that part of whats wrong with me is this dynamic and its breaking my soul, my core, destroying who I am. I am becoming non functional and it HAS to stop.

For example:

I rarely hug back. His hugs are not giving hugs, they are not for me. They are to make HIM feel better. He follows (chases) me around the room trying to hug me while I am trying to speak. I feel like I am being “gripped.” Sometimes I can’t even help myself and I tell him to stop gripping me because he clings to me at inappropriate times during any conversation that involves stress or emotions. I can’t tell if it’s because he needs reassurance which is creepy and annoying or to shut me up. Because I DO stop talking. I literally have to clamp my mouth shut or worse than “Stop gripping me!” might come out.

I dont say I love you anymore. For one, if I love him, I do not feel it at this point. I haven’t wanted to say it for a long time. His “I love yous” are not declarations anyway. They are requests. I just recently was able to confront him about this and he does it less but he used to repeat I love you over and over getting more insistent like a fucking alarm clock until I say it back. His I love you was a probe to get reassurance that I still loved him I guess.

I don’t expect anything to change. Nothing ever does with him. But I said it. And it felt good.

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