It’s been a while since I’ve felt like I was able to share anything that would make any sense, and truthfully, with hindsight, I think I was probably right. A combination of the stress brought on by my living situation and being on the wrong medication for my anxiety and bipolar disorder put me in the disorienting tailspin of panic attack/mixed episode/hypomania hell. For me that feels like trying to live life in a batting cage. All stimuli are speed balls shot directly at me and there is no time to figure out what kind of ball it is or interact only time to hit everything away or be beat down by it.
I can only guess what THAT looks like to other people but as its happening I can tell my efforts to communicate are not being received as I intended. I know I was coming across as angry and aggressive toward the other individual when really I was actually frustrated at myself/the situation/whatever force had caused me to not be able to speak to a living soul correctly!
It got so bad I would NOT leave the house. Period. For anything. Until my appointment with the psych doc. And even then I was so anxious I was scared to trust her and argued with her about her choices! Thankfully she worked with me and didn’t kick me to the curb. I say that because I had to find a new primary care provider during this time and two (TWO!!) different Drs. told me to find a new provider after the first appointment because I could not stop acting like an angry, all over the place, babbling, drama queen!
Fast forward 2 months (Was I stuck in that particular shade of hell for that long??) Anyway, two months later, a referral to a psych practitioner and new meds I feel like I can think again. Not only are there are less thoughts in my head, but I feel like I can begin to manage/handle/assess things emotionally again? A change in functionality has occurred for the better anyway. All of my life issues are still here but at least I can DO something about them!